The Poo Has Got No Clue
by Dannondorf
Summary: Oneshot. Poo just doesn't get Eagleland's culture.


The Poo Has Got No Clue

By Dannondorf

"Blah" is talking. 'Blah' is thinking. The symbol 1111111111111111 means a transition in the story.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything related to Earthbound. This story is strictly for entertainment purposes and not for profit.

**Author's Notes:** This fic was done in honor of Halloween, because Halloween is an awesome holiday. Enjoy! Leave a review if it strikes your fancy.

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"Hey, Poo!"

Poo's eyes opened, his concentration lost. It had taken two hours to attain, and it would be difficult to get back. "Greetings, Ness," he said, slightly miffed.

Ness didn't notice the annoyance in his voice. "Paula and Jeff are meeting me at my place tomorrow night to hang out. You wanna come?"

"Yes. I will be there."

"All right. See ya later!" Ness waved farewell and teleported back to Onett. With that distraction out of the way, Poo resumed his meditation and thought no more of their exchange.

Poo spent the next morning and afternoon training. He pushed his body and mind to their limits, and by sunset he was exhausted and had used up all of his PP. Well, almost all. He saved some so he could teleport to Onett.

His training finally over, he allowed his mind to lose the focus it had maintained for the whole day, and his thoughts wandered. It was the end of October. The sun set very early around this time of year. Why did Ness want to hang out at nighttime? Surely there were more fun things to do when the sun was out. Oh well. Ness was strange. Come to think of it, all of Eagleland was strange. Its food and customs were too different from Dalaam's for Poo's tastes.

He realized it was time to leave if he planned on keeping his word. Mustering up the very last of his PP, he cast PSI Teleport Beta. He began spinning around and around. The usual dizziness followed, and his spinning view of the golden royal palace vanished and was replaced by a single dark swirl of colors he couldn't identify. The swirl of colors gradually stopped spinning as he came out of the spell. The single swirl separated into a myriad of colors. The colors became distinct, no longer blending with each other, and as Poo came to a complete stop, he found himself in southern Onett.

Something was off, though. There were no people around, and he could see what appeared to be humanoid monsters in the distance. They walked along the sidewalks in the manner normal people did, as if they owned the town.

He thought his eyes were playing tricks on him, but the monsters were still there after he shook his head and rubbed his eyes. Before he could process this information, he heard a voice from behind. "Hey, what are you supposed to be?" He spun around and saw a little boy about three feet tall. Poo was relieved to see a normal human instead of an enemy…until he saw that the boy had the sharp part of an axe embedded in the top of his head. Dried streaks of blood covered his hair and one side of his face. Poo suddenly felt very sick. Who had done this? How was this child still alive? A few seconds passed by as Poo stared in horror and disbelief, and the boy repeated his question. "What are you supposed to be? Are you a samurai or something?"

Poo ignored the question. This boy was seriously hurt and needed help fast. "Oh…please lie down. I'll tend to your wound."

The kid looked at him weirdly. "What are you talking about?"

"Shh. Do not speak. I can help you. You must relax." Poo stepped forward and reached out for the axe, but the little boy stepped back in fright.

"You're s-scaring me, mister! Don't come any closer, or…or…"

"Calm down. You're delusional." Poo once again took a step forward, trying his best to appear non-threatening so that the boy would cooperate, but the kid turned around and ran screaming down the street. Poo would have chased him, but he heard another voice from behind.

"What did you do to my little brother, you punk?"

Poo spun around again and saw a zombie about the same size as himself. Fighting the urge to gasp in surprise, Poo spoke clumsily. "I-I didn't do anything to him. I tried to pull the axe from his wound, and he ran away."

This seemingly innocent explanation only angered the zombie further. "You tried to take his costume?! You got a lot of nerve trying to steal from a little kid. I'm gonna teach you a lesson."

"Wha—?"

The zombie lashed out with a fist, but Poo easily dodged it by stepping back. Poo assumed a fighting stance. He didn't have his sword with him, but it looked like fighting would be inevitable tonight; so his fists would have to suffice.

The zombie laughed. "Ooooh, a tough guy! I'm sooo scared! What a lame costume. Are you a karate master or something? Well, I take karate for _real_. I'll show you how strong I am!"

He went for a right hook but missed, and this time Poo did more than merely dodge the attack. He slammed a fist into his opponent's face, and the zombie was knocked out instantly.

Poo was somewhat surprised at how easy his victory had been, but he recovered the next second and realized he needed to get out of sight. Thinking quickly, he dragged the older brother's limp body into the closest alley.

No other monsters had been nearby during the scuffle. If he was lucky, none of the zombie's monster friends had seen the fight. If that was the case, he was safe so far, but he wouldn't be safe for long if he didn't act. He couldn't just leave the zombie in the alley; if a monster came by and saw that one of their own had been knocked out, the monster would probably start a search for the one who did it. Poo looked around for a way to hide the body, and his eyes came to rest on a trash can. He pulled the lid off and peered inside. It wasn't empty and it smelled terrible, but it would have to do. He dropped the zombie into it and put the lid back on.

That ordeal was taken care of, but Poo knew the danger was far from over. He cautiously stuck his head out from the alleyway, peeking around the corner of a building. Ghosts, werewolves, witches, vampires, zombies, and humans with distorted, hideous faces were combing an area down the street. Where did they come from? Why were they in Onett? Poo grew afraid and nervous. Monsters didn't usually intimidate him, but right now he didn't have his sword or any equipment with him, and he couldn't teleport back to Dalaam to retrieve his gear because he had completely used up his PP on the warp here. He couldn't even use his PSI attacks.

He contemplated his next course of action. Monsters had apparently taken over at least this part of town. He didn't know how far their influence had spread, but he wasn't comforted by the fact that the ones he could see were going unchallenged by whatever remained of the town's citizens. And what about Ness, Paula, and Jeff? Were they safe? Were they hiding, or were they out thrashing these creatures in some other part of town? What if they were captured, or hurt, or worse?

He growled in frustration. There were too many unknowns. He had to narrow them down somehow. Ness was brave and impetuous, so it was likely that he and the others had already gone out to fight for the town. That meant that either they were still fighting somewhere or they had been captured or worse. It wasn't Ness's style to hide, so they probably weren't at his house. Even if Ness felt compelled to protect his mother and sister, he would certainly tell them to hide somewhere, and then he would rush out to meet the enemy head on.

Okay, so chances were that going to Ness's house would accomplish nothing. Poo decided that the best course of action was to sneak around town until he found his friends. He had no weapon, he had no PP, and he was extremely tired from his training, so he needed to keep a low profile to prevent fighting any more than he had to.

But how would he stay hidden? He looked around for an answer and saw a gutter attached to the side of the building he was leaning against. He grabbed it and pulled on it a little. It seemed sturdy enough, so he started climbing. Two floors and two sore arms later, he made it to the top and lay flat on the roof so that his height didn't give him away. From his new elevation, he had a much better view of the town, and he saw that the majority of the monsters seemed to be heading west. They were congregating near a dilapidated old house that a man with a saxophone used to play at during the War on Giygas. Poo's eyes narrowed in determination. If that's where they were meeting, then that's where he had to go. Being as silent and quick as possible, he ran across the rooftop and leapt to the roof of the next building. He did this five times more until he was significantly closer and there were no more roofs to jump to. He waited until he thought the coast was clear, and then he used another gutter to safely reach the ground.

He stayed in the shadows for a moment to survey his area. No monsters populated the immediate vicinity. They were all still heading west. What business did they have at that old house? He got his answer when he saw the sign twenty feet ahead of him in the direction the monsters were heading. "Haunted house this way," it read.

Haunted house? So the monsters were using it as a base of operations. Perhaps if he got close enough without being seen, he could spy on them and determine what they were up to.

A hiking trail in a small forest separated his location from the haunted house; the trees would provide excellent cover. He looked around once more to make sure no one was watching him, and then darted into the forest. He dashed from tree to tree, always hiding behind one and looking around before dashing to the next. He stayed off the main path to decrease his chances of getting caught. Progress was slow, but sacrificing efficiency was crucial to his safety. He was almost out of the forest when he heard figures approaching from the direction he had come. He stayed behind a tree and stood completely still, waiting for them to pass by. Two figures appeared in the dim light, chatting loudly to each other as they walked casually side by side. As they neared, he realized they were both ghosts.

"Man, I scored so much candy tonight!"

"I know! The people are just giving it to us in piles! Especially that old lady!"

Even though no one could see him, Poo couldn't help scrunching up his face in confusion. Candy? What relevance did that have? Wait a minute…he remembered Jeff's story about how Master Belch kidnapped some Mr. Saturns and forced them to make something called "fly honey." Perhaps all of these monsters had a sweet tooth as well, and they were forcing the humans to make candy. It seemed they were even making the elderly work for them! The fiends!

Poo in all his righteous fury was about ready to jump out at them and give them a beating, but their next words froze him in his tracks.

"So is anyone bringing Ness?" Poo stopped breathing, afraid that he may not hear the conversation if he breathed too loudly. Had they already captured Ness? Were they really that powerful?

"Yep. Someone's taking him and Paula and Jeff to the haunted house."

Poo couldn't handle any more. It was time for some answers. He leapt from his hiding place and smacked one ghost, sending it flying off the trail into a tree. Poo held his fist up to the other ghost and asked forcefully, "Where are they?"

The ghost trembled in fear of the wild look Poo was giving him. "P-please don't hurt me! I-I don't know where they are! They're probably already at the haunted house!"

"Thank you." Poo took him out with a backhand and bolted toward his destination, this time running full speed and in plain sight along the trail, not bothering to conceal himself. The time for hiding was over. His mission was now to free the others as soon as possible. It was time to fight.

Poo made quick work of the crowd that met him at the forest's end. He sped from opponent to opponent, defeating them with a single blow each. Goblins, devils, sorcerers, and various other evil beings were sent flying in every direction, and Poo conquered everyone he could see in a matter of seconds. Pumped by his victory, he ran toward the front door of the dilapidated dwelling and was about to break it down when it opened of its own accord. He assumed battle stance, ready to pounce on whatever was behind the door, but he faltered when an ordinary human stepped out. The human, an old man in a lab coat with frazzled white hair, looked at him and spoke eagerly. "Ah, another visitor! Have you come to see my haunted house?"

Poo eyed him carefully. He looked to be what Jeff called a scientist: he wore lab goggles and had a test tube in his hand. He looked a bit eccentric, but he appeared genuinely human. "This is your house?" Poo asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I've set up my laboratory here, so yes. Won't you come in? I have many experiments I want to show you."

Not knowing how to respond, Poo was silent at first. Things just weren't adding up. The scientist didn't even act like he knew there were monsters about. But…getting inside the house had been his original goal, so he figured he might as well enter while he was here. Maybe Ness and the others were inside. "…Very well."

"Excellent! This way, please." Poo followed him inside. As soon as the door was closed, the lights went out, and the laboratory was enveloped in darkness. Poo wished he had been more attentive during the quarter-second or so that the lights had been on; he had no clue what was in the one-room building. "Ah, I must apologize," the man said. "It seems I have blown a fuse. Oh well. Not to worry. I know where everything is. Here, take my hand. Now, first I want to show you the brain I've been studying."

Poo was starting to dislike this man. "I'm sorry, did you say…brain?"

The man spoke with a frightening enthusiasm. "Why yes, I've been studying one in particular for the past day now. Since the lights are out, I can't really show it to you, but you can still feel it. Here, let me guide your hand to it." He took Poo's hand and stuck it into a bowl of something warm, sticky, and squishy.

Poo felt sick to his stomach. "This…is a very big brain. What animal does it come from?"

"Animal? It's a human brain, silly." Poo's mind and body went rigid. The adult kept talking. "It's squishy, isn't it? That's how you know it's new. Brains that haven't been animated for over a day become dry and hard. That's why it's important to harvest the brain immediately after you kill the victim."

Poo yanked his hand from the bowl and shouted at his host. "You villain! What have you done?" He was about to take a swing at the man, but halted the motion when he heard something like a cage opening and then a feral growl from somewhere on the opposite side of the room. His eyes widened, and he gulped, his anger fleeing from him.

"Oh no!" The scientist whispered. "I was afraid this might happen. It seems one of my creatures has escaped."

"Creatures?"

"Yes, that is what I do here. I take the flesh, bone, and organ from the dead and use it to create monsters."

Suddenly it all made sense. This maniac was responsible for all the unnatural beings roaming the town, but one piece of the puzzle still remained unsolved: where were Ness, Jeff, and Paula? Poo didn't have time to think about it, because at the moment he was much more concerned about what had made that growl. "Sir, you must get behind me, quickly! I don't like the idea of saving a madman, but if you don't move, I promise I will protect you!"

"Huh? Uh, kid..." The man sounded as though he hadn't expected this reaction from his guest.

Poo couldn't see in the dark, but Mu training had sharpened his sense of hearing. He closed his eyes and focused only on that sense, waiting for the slightest movement from whatever was on the other side of the room. A couple of seconds passed, and then a very light footstep. Poo determined where it had come from and leapt in that direction, extending his leg for a kick when he estimated he had reached his target. His aim was true, and as his foot made contact, he heard a cry of pain. With amazing speed, Poo ran away from the stunned beast, grabbed the scientist by the wrist and pulled him out the door. He did not slow his pace outside until the scientist yanked his wrist free. "Sir, we must hurry! We must find—"

"Kid, what's the matter with you?" The scientist was angry instead of scared, much to Poo's bewilderment.

"We cannot stop! We must—" He was about to start running again when he saw something that made his blood freeze. Emerging from the forest path were three zombies with outfits identical to those of his three friends.

The one dressed like Ness spoke up in a voice that sounded like Ness's. "Hey, Poo! I was starting to think you weren't coming!"

Poo could not shout back a reply. All that came out of his mouth was a quiet "No…" His best friends had been turned into zombies. To make matters worse, they were his enemies now, and he could never hope to beat all of them, even at his full strength.

The Paula zombie noticed the unconscious monsters littering the ground. She gasped. "Oh my gosh! Poo, what happened here?"

Poo turned and fled through the woods connecting Onett and Twoson. He was going to heal in the next town and live to fight another day.

"Poo, wait!" Ness yelled, but Poo did not stop. He kept running through the trees until he disappeared.

The Jeff zombie humphed indignantly. "I told you these costumes sucked, Ness. One look at them made Poo decide not to go trick-or-treating with us."

"Oh yeah? Well, what would you have chosen, huh?" Ness replied angrily.

"I would have chosen to go as…a mad scientist!" Jeff raised his index finger in the air triumphantly.

"You're such a nerd."

"And proud of it!"

While those two argued, Paula walked up to the confused adult. "What happened out here?"

"I don't know," he said, not taking his eyes off the KO'd trick-or-treaters. "It must have happened while I was inside. That friend of yours is a rough one. He beat up the guy I hired to act like a monster, and he freaked out when I put his hand in the Cup of Lifenoodles. I swear, the way he acts, you'd think he's never heard of Halloween."


End file.
